Dating is complex, it’s a minefield of constant meanderings with those potentials that we hope will be a match. It takes a whole lot of courage to put ourselves out there on the dating scene where we are constantly reflecting on ourselves, others and making comparisons on what we deem to be an acceptable match and indeed with what we think is not. Dating can be tough and a test of how discerning we are as individuals.
Here at Simantov we look at dating on an international scale – we are talking clients building relationships for the long-term further to a long distance romance and we are often asked questions about what makes a long-distance romance work, what keeps the relationship alive and inevitably keep things ticking along nicely until cohabitation and hopefully marriage (in whatever order you deem to be fit). These are all questions we have answers to, sure. However, we do know that when you are single and actively searching getting to the point where you are seriously asking said questions about a strong potential soulmate can feel like a long shot. We got to asking ourselves and the vast amount of singles Stateside questions about why they feel there could be such a dating crisis and our conclusion – it’s a modern day communication crisis in dating. Singles today are going on so many dates, ‘matching’ with so many suitors on the platform of their choice and yet struggling to forge a lasting connection further than date two or three, if lucky.
Of course when it comes to dating internationally we human beings have cultural differences, cultural differences which highlight behaviours we deem to be acceptable and those things which we don’t deem to be in the dating realm. We are talking about particularly smart, savvy, educated, successful singles who are serious in their search for love – so why haven’t they been snapped up? Let’s take a look at a few potential reasons communication has broken down, specifically with online dating.
Traditional Roles Vs Equality
In a modern world where women strive for equality on all levels the majority of females on dating apps expect men to reach out to them first. Sure, we think men should show that chivalry isn’t dead and forge ahead with saying hello and communicating first but for single males it’s all a little confusing and we forget that dating apps can also be a little daunting. To get the best result online ladies, and whilst we think a gent should be gentlemanly and indeed propose the date, we do think that saying hello is really a great thing to do on both sides of the ‘match’ otherwise what a waste of energy, time invested in finding those matches and also a loss of momentum in the matching process. What’s the worst that could happen from a simple hello – who knows where it may lead!
Excessive Vetting Before The Date
Now, this really is over-communicating. You don’t want your first date to be a struggle for conversation points because you have asked so many questions via your app or whatsapp beforehand. Whilst you think you are being efficient, perhaps as efficient as you may be professionally whilst at work, it’s really not a good idea. When you ask a tonne of questions before the date you can a) end up pre-judging them and not going on the date at all b) going on the date with lots of expectation and finding there isn’t any chemistry c) becoming emotionally attached to a stranger or d) getting so excited and working your first date nerves up more than they would normally be. Don’t excessively vet, don’t over-communicate, have a little small talk and schedule the first date as soon as possible.
Interviewing Rather Than Dating
If you’re serious in your search chances are you will want to quickly get to the hard questions sooner rather than later, inevitably so you don’t waste either parties time; this we understand. However, what happened to the art of flirting and seeking a strong attraction on an intellectual and physical level too. We know all too well that singles can use the first date as an opportunity to interview someone for marriage and that can be scary, especially if there are those first date nerves involved too. Our advice would be not to go in feet first but to test the waters to see if you are compatible with chemistry and feel comfortable in each others company first. Leave the heavy questions to the third date when the moment feels right and feelings may start to develop. Remember it’s not an interview for marriage and the process of finding a partner can be a positive one if you make it so.
Not Being Straightforward
Modern day dating poses so many options to move forward and see if the grass is greener on the other side with a constant need to swipe or check their isn’t something better out there for us. We need to be crystal clear with ourselves as well as those around us, it’s only fair. Are we really, truly looking to partner or in this process for fun? Whilst we know finding someone equally as relationship-minded as you isn’t child’s play but should be honest with ourselves. Moreover, if we are just not feeling the person we are dating is right for us we absolutely should not be making up excuses. Just be honest, you’ll feel liberated for it, keep your integrity and be respected whatever the outcome is with the person. Honesty is always the best policy.
In the ever-changing world of how we meet singles there are so many factors to think about but as long as the lines of communication are open, they are clear and we are honest we should head down a path less winding than perhaps others to find long-lasting love.