Although you long for a good, long-lasting relationship, you seem to be out of luck: your relationships always end up failing.
But is it really a question of “luck” or are you caught in a spiral of self-sabotage which makes it impossible for you to have a satisfying love life?
If you are in this situation and would like to put a stop to the endless cycle of failure, here are a few questions you should ask yourself:
- Do I have unrealistic or conflicting expectations of my partner?
Everyone has an image of the ideal partner ingrained somewhere in his/her mind. But this image may not be based on reality. As much as you may be able to find a partner who resembles your mother, teacher, neighbor or anyone else you love or admire, it is very unlikely that you will find someone who has the physical attributes of Scarlett Johansson, sings like Barbra Streisand and has the brain power of Marie Curie. And even if you did, would that person be interested in you? Do you have any or all of these exceptional qualities yourself? Unless your answer is a resounding “yes”, you should probably consider lowering your expectations of the perfect partner to a more human level. Chances are this will also help lower the level of your disappointment.
- Do I give up too easily?
Contrary to popular assumption, relationships are never just a string of effortless moments of bliss and looking for that type of “perfection” will doom any relationship from the get-go. Kissing under the rain is very nice but leaves you dripping and cold; living with someone who brought his/her 5 kids into your life is fun but exhausting; and when people are exhausted they often get cranky and unpleasant. Forget the ideas romantic movies have poisoned your mind with. Relationships thrive on compromise and altruism. Not on selfishness or fantasy. They have to be built and nurtured. Do not be fooled by the easiness of the beginning, when everyone is in a good mood and eager to impress. Nobody can sustain that type of behavior forever. Being realistic means expecting that in the course of your life together things will sometimes get unpleasant, and that if you don’t give up but rather make an effort to work through the problem you will have a much more satisfying and profound love life.
- Am I afraid of commitment?
Committing is always scary. As with any choice, commitment to a partner requires giving up other choices. Choices that may prove better. That’s what you keep telling yourself and that’s why you prefer keeping your options open by never committing to anyone and balking out of the relationship when things get too serious. This is also why you will never get what you want: a real relationship. Because there will always be other possibilities and paths not taken, nothing will ever seem satisfying enough. That’s too bad because your failure to commit is condemning you to a life of endless chase. But remember that taking the plunge is always an alternative worth trying if you are dissatisfied with short-term adventures.
- Am I a poor communicator?
Good communication is the key to good relationships. When partners don’t communicate, they get frustrated, drift apart and end up harboring deadly resentment. That can bring the relationship to its end.
It is important to communicate on all subjects: the little things that bother you (nothing is little if you are going to stay together in the long-term: even the smallest scratch can turn into a major annoyance if repeated many times), the big differences (over values, choice of friends or entertainment), the dreams you have, good times, bad times, etc. You cannot expect your partner to know you if you don’t open up to him or her. The more you share, the better you know your partner, the deeper and more satisfying the relationship is. And remember that communicating goes both ways: being a good listener is just as important as being a good talker.
So what do you think? Does your history of relationships fall under any of these categories? Are you keeping yourself from finding your soulmate? If you have any doubt or don’t know what to do about it, do not hesitate to contact us!