Modern dating is complicated — but often not for the reasons we think.
As a professional matchmaker, I see the same pattern again and again:
people don’t stop dating someone because the connection feels wrong.
They stop because the person doesn’t fit a rule they once created and never revisited.
Dating People vs Dating Spreadsheets
Sometimes we’re not dating people. We’re dating spreadsheets.
She’s 33 (just turned!). He’s 32. The difference? Just a few months! Months – not decades!!!
Not values. Not emotional compatibility. Not how the conversation flows or how you feel after spending time together.
Just the calendar.
For many singles, age, height, income, or other rigid parameters become automatic deal breakers — even when everything else works. These rules feel safe, logical, and “reasonable,” but in reality they often limit real connection.
Why Dating Feels So Hard Today
After years in matchmaking, I’ve noticed something important:
people rarely ask why they have certain dating rules. They simply follow them.
And then they ask:
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“Why is dating so hard?”
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“Where did all the normal people go?”
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“Why do I keep meeting the wrong ones?”
The truth is uncomfortable but simple: many good matches are filtered out long before a real meeting ever happens.
A Date Is Not a Compliance Check
Dating is a meeting between two people. Not a compliance check. And definitely not a birth-year competition. A good date doesn’t have to lead to marriage, a relationship, or “the one.” Sometimes a good date is simply a pleasant, respectful evening with an emotionally available person. When we treat dating like an exam — something to pass or fail based on fixed criteria — we create pressure, disappointment, and unnecessary rejection.
Over-Filtering Leads to Loneliness
People often say they have high standards. What they actually have is fear — disguised as structure. Fear of wasting time. Fear of making the “wrong” choice. Fear of stepping outside a carefully built formula. But rigid filtering doesn’t protect from heartbreak. It protects from experience. And over time, it often leads to exactly what people fear most: loneliness.
A Healthier Way to Approach Dating
Instead of asking:
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“Does this person meet every rule on my list?”
Try asking:
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“How do I feel with this person?”
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“Is the conversation easy?”
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“Do I feel respected, calm, curious?”
Connection doesn’t follow spreadsheets. Real chemistry doesn’t need a calculator. Sometimes we don’t get hurt in dating. We just over-filter ourselves into being alone.