Unlike many other people, you do not have any difficulty attracting potential partners. You’ve had several relationships. Some of them were serious, some not, but all of them ended up failing miserably. Sometimes at a great emotional cost to you.
First you need to take a break from dating and use that time to reflect on your past relationships. Among the questions you should ask yourself, the most important is whether these relationships were harmful to you (commonly called a toxic relationship).
A breakup is always sad. That doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship was harmful. A harmful relationship is a relationship which leaves you with a belittled sense of yourself or in poorer emotional or physical health. If that is the case and you routinely engage in toxic relationships it is vital for you to break the pattern.
If your relationships are simply going nowhere for the same identifiable reason, you are just wasting precious time. Breaking this pattern is less urgent than if you were in a toxic relationship but may still be desirable. So here is what you can do:
1 – Understand the laws of attraction: It is important to understand how attraction works. Attraction between two human beings is rarely a passive force. We attract the people that we want to attract. In other words, we attract the people we are attracted to. And that is good news because, having understood that part, we can now take charge.
2 – Make a list: Once you have clearly identified the « type » that you go for (and which leaves you dissatisfied or hurt), make a list of the most important qualities you want your partner to have. Often, these will be what you found missing in your ex-partners (caring, smart, ambitious, family-oriented, etc.).
3 – Stick to your list: From now on, check every new prospect against that list. If one of the qualities is missing, move on to the next prospect. This may seem overly selective (and it is) but it will guarantee that you won’t be making any stupid compromise – of the « he is not so nice, but he is so good looking » type.
4 – Be attentive to warning signs: Again, this is a time to be absolutely, completely uncompromising. If you have a tendency to fall for men who have a substance abuse problem, do not accept even the slightest lapse -« he got drunk, but it was his birthday ». You have shown poor judgment in the past. For the time being, do not trust yourself when you meet someone. Always refer to the list you made when you were clear-headed.
5 – Date against type: If you always attract the same type and that type doesn’t work for you, it may be because you don’t know yourself very well. You think you want a certain « type » of partner but in the end what would make you happiest may be another « type ». For example, if what you want is a businessman but you always end up feeling like you are playing second fiddle to your partners’ work, try dating someone who is not as involved with work – and maybe not as successful professionally – but who could devote more time and attention to you. Maybe you will be happier this way.
6 – Let someone else select your dates: Finally, if you think you cannot trust yourself to make the right choices, recruit the help of an outsider to select your dates. That person, whether a friend or a professional matchmaker, will know how to break the pattern by taking you out of your comfort zone, will provide you with emotional support, will help you clarify your thoughts and feelings and, last but not least, will make sure you don’t fall into the same traps again.
At Simantov, we are here to help you get the best possible partner, the soulmate who will encourage you make the most of your life, someone you will be able to grow with.
Contact us and you will never get trapped into another bad relationship!
